Something I Couldn't See

Bella

I used to joke that the first person I ever met., after my parents, was Ellie Oswald. Ellie was the daughter of our next door neighbors, and our mothers introduced us before we were a month old.
We went to the same school, and we spent nearly all our free time with each other. We confided in each other about everything. We knew each other so well that we could communicate without uttering a word. So certain and familiar was my friendship with Ellie that I never thought of it, it was just my life.
It was aaround eighth grade that my classmates began rebelling_girls and boys dationg, shoplifting, somking cigarettes. Such activity made me uncomfortable. Ellie and I had both always done well in school, and I valued my teachers' approval. And I definitely didn't want to get into trouble with my parents. Besides, cigarettes smelled bad and made you cough.
But I could feel how my lack of interest in misbehaving began to separate me from my friends-including Ellie, When I tried to talk about this with Ellie, she would simply say, "Things are changing, Caroline."
Losing Ellie
One Saturday, I was at the grocery store when I saw a classimate named Melissa. She pulled me aside and whispered, "Is Ellie OK? From last night."
My heart was pounding. "What happened last night?" "You don't know?" "Well, I guess there was a party and everyone was drinking. ellie fell down the steps and cut her forehead. I heard she had to get stitches." Melissa squinted at me. "I can't believe you don't know this."
My mind was full of questions. How had I not known about this? Had I not been invited to other parties? Since when had Ellie been a drinker?
When I called Ellie, she sounded defensive. "It wasn't a party, " she said. "It was just a few people. And I didn't have to get stitches."
Do your parents know? Something really bad could have happened," I said.
"But it didn't," she replied. "So chill out."
That was the moment, those were the words-so chill out-that made me know for certain that things between us had changed. And sure enough, Elliesoon made some excuse to get off the phne. I had lost her.
I still saw Ellie in class, but whenver I glanced over at her, her gaze was averted.
The consequences of being yourself
Throughout most of high school, I was incredibly lonely. My resolve not to drink or smoke or lie to my parens caused me a lot of pain. So maybe it's surprising that as I look back, I don't regret any of it. I know now that the consequences of being yourself are never worse than the consequences of not being yourself.
I spent much of my high-school years studying, and it paid off when I got into my first-choice college. And it wasn't until college that I once again had friends with whom I felt a true sense of connection.
As for Ellie, the last time I saw her was the summer I graduated from college, I knew she had quit college to work, and soon after, became pregnant.
"When are due?" I asked. September." Her voice was flat.
I was afraid to ask, but I was pretty sure she wasn't married.
I wanted to tell her, "You'll be OK, Ellie! I remember how smart and strong and fun you were. I know that you can put your life together again. "
But every time I looked at her, she was looking away--staring hard at something I couldn't see.