I Forgive You（我原谅你）

Bella

    Let go of bitterness. Marriage isn't the only relationship that needs forgiveness. It's required with our children,friends,workmates,neighbours and even strangers.In fact,no human relationship can survive without the oxygen of forgiveness.It's not an optional nicety for people who are into that kind of thing, it's a universal necessity for relationships and for your own health and sanity.
　I once met a couple whose daughter, Sarah, had been hit and killed by a drunk driver when she'd been out on her bike. She died instantly.  The  driver's  guilt  was  never  in doubt he didn't even have a valid licence, having lost it after a previous conviciton for drunk driving. He was jailed for manslaughter. But for Roger and Cathy, Sarah's parents, this wasn't enough. All they could think about was getting revenge on her killer. Sitting with them in their home years later, I was overwhelmed by their heartbreak. I can't even begin to imagine the horror of their ordeal. There's little doubt in my mind that justice wasn't served in the lightness of the sentence given to Sarah's killer, whose cold self?centredness and lack of remorse shocked me to the core.But at the same time, I couldn't help feeling greater sorrow at the way Roger  and  Cathy's  continued  reaction  to her death was compounding their misery.　Every day they were being consumed by a hatred and bitterness that made no impact whatsoever on Sarah's killer. Was this what she'd have wanted for her parents, this living hell that was  destroying  their  lives?  I  couldn't  help thinking that if Sarah could speak to them she would beg them to let go of their bitterness and begin to live again.
　Some of us may think that we've been hurt too deeply,or too often, to forgive.But ironically,it's those of us who've been most hurt who  really need  to  forgive,for one simple reason:like cancer,bitterness can destroy its host. Unless it's swiftly rooted out,it takes hold and grows,crippling and eventually even killing those who insist on clinging determinedly to it.
　For the truth is that unless we can forgive, we can never recover. Our wounds will continue to fester and never heal. As the ancient Chinese proverb puts it:" whoever seeks revenge should dig two graves."
　Taking the first step For some people forgiveness feels impossible because they have no idea how to go about it. The first and most important thing you need to accept is that the act of forgiveness is not going to be easy. In fact, it will probably be the hardest thing most of us ever have to do.
　It seems totally unfair that we should have to forgive when we're the ones who have been hurt. And that's the crux of forgiveness. It seems unfair because it is unfair. Otherwise what would there be to forgive? Forgiveness is about pardoning things that are essentially inexcusable. After all, if something can be excused, it doesn't need forgiving, does it?
　The saying “ Forgive and forget”  may roll off the tongue, but it's as shallow as it is short. For one thing, it's downright impossible. For another, it misses the whole point of forgiveness. The things we most need to forgive in life are the things we can't forget. Rather than sweeping them under the carpet, we need to draw a line under them, deliberately choosing not to count them against the person who did them, and moving on.
　That's why, sometimes, the initial act of forgiveness may seem relatively easy, but dealing with the emotions that follow every time you see that person, or speak to them or just think about them, can be harder to deal with. True forgiveness is not a one off act, it's a constant emotional confrontation.
　And the longer you wait to forgive someone, the harder it becomes. Time really doesn't heal, it just gives the bitterness and resentment longer to eat away at you from inside. If you wait for the " right time"  you may never do it.
It's never too late If you have let a grudge fester for decades, remember it's never too late to heal wounds. So even if it's been years and you're forgotten how the bitterness started,you can still do something about it.
　A question you should ask yourself before you begin to tackle the art of forgiveness is this: How many of us are ever completely innocent in any given situation?
　Some years ago, my wife,Cornelia,and I bought a piece of cheap,flat packed,pine veneered furniture.For the first few months, it fooled  everyone it  was smart, functional and impressive, and  we  felt  it fitted our home perfectly. But as time rolled by, the veneer slowly  began to peel at the edges. It didn't create the same impression any more, but at least it was being honest! The fact is that,like it or not,behind our smart veneer, we're all just chipboard.So before we become other people's judge and jury,we'd be wise to take a long,hard look at ourselves in the mirror.And the more we see ourselves,warts and all,the more we'll want to and be able to  forgive others for their flaws,and the more we forgive,the more we'll know true contentment.
  Would you rather be right or happy? Forgiving  others  can  get a satisfying reaction. I've  found  that saying sorry to my kids has not only healed broken relationships but has helped defuse the situation, making it easier for my kids to ask for forgiveness themselves. So if you think you're right and can't find it in yourself to forgive, ask youself this question: would you rather be right or happy?
　One of the hardest things about forgiveness is making that first move especially when you haven't spoken to the person who hurt you for a while. But remember they'll probably be happy to hear from you. They might even be impressed that you've done what they've wanted to do for years. But keep in mind you're doing this for you just as much as them, so don't be upset if they don't react as you hoped.
　Of  course, some  people  don't  believe they've done anything wrong, or don't care, so telling them you forgive them would only frustrate them and you. But that doesn't mean you can't find forgiveness in your heart. In fact, that's what true forgiveness is letting go of your anger and hurt, becoming at peace with what happened and moving on.
　The  more you nurture your resentment, the more unhappy you'll become. Unless you learn  to develop the " lost art" of forgiving, you'll always remain a victim, not just of people who've done you worng, but also of your own emotions.
　Forgiving puts you in control. However tough it is, the alternative is far worse. The phrase "Forgive us our sins, though we refuse to forgive those who sin against us" doesn't exist in the Bible. And there's a reason for that.
[参考译文]莫怀憎恨并非只有婚烟关系需要谅解。我们与子女、朋友、同事、邻居，甚至陌生人相处同样需要谅解。事实上，没有谅解这种氧气，任何人类关系都不可能存活。谅解他人不是当事人可做可不做的好事，而是一种维持良好关系、保持身心健康的普遍需要。

　　我曾遇见一对夫妇，他们的女儿萨拉骑车外出时被醉酒驾车的司机撞倒，当场毙命。司机的罪责确定无疑——他甚至没有有效的驾驶执照，因为他曾因醉酒驾车前科而被没收了。他因杀人罪被判入狱。可这不足以平息萨拉父母罗杰和凯瑟的心头之恨。他们满脑子想的都是为女儿报仇。多年后我坐在他们的家中，被他们伤心欲绝的样子深深地震撼着，甚至不敢去想他们的这种苦难有多可怕。我相信撞死萨拉的凶手被判的刑不够重。他的冷酷、自私和无心悔改，让我无比震惊。但同时，看到罗杰和凯瑟对女儿去世抹不去的悲痛所造成的不幸，我不禁更加伤心。
　　仇恨和哀伤每天咬噬着罗杰和凯瑟的内心，而这对萨拉的凶手却无丝毫影响。难道这是萨拉所希望的吗?让这活地狱毁灭父母的生活?我不由得想，如果萨拉能对父母讲话，她定会恳求他们不要再怀恨了，开始新生活吧。
　　我们中的一些人可能认为，自己被伤害得太深、次数太多，难以原谅伤害自己的人。可具有讽刺意味的是，恰恰是被伤害得很深的人，才真正需要原谅别人。原因很简单：仇恨会像癌症一样毁掉主人。如果不尽快铲除仇恨，它就会生根发芽，使那些执意仇恨无法释怀的人致残甚至死亡。
　　这是因为存在这样的真理：如果我们不原谅别人，就永远无法修复自己的创伤，伤口会继续溃烂，永不愈合。正像一句古老的中国谚语所说，“复仇者必自绝”。
迈出第一步对某些人来说，原谅他人似乎是不可能的，因为他们不知道如何原谅他人。首先你必须接受一个非常重要的事实，即原谅他人不容易做到。事实上，对于我们大多数人来说，这也许是最难做的一件事。
　　由于我们是被伤害的，所以就得原谅别人，这听起来似乎毫无公平可言。可这却是原谅他人的关键所在。事情本身就是不公平的，所以听来不公平。否则何谈原谅?原谅就是宽恕本身没有道理的事情。毕竟，如果事情本身是有道理的，那就不需要原谅了，不是吗?
　　我们可能会顺口说出“原谅并忘了吧”。但这话说出来容易，仔细一想却说服不了人。一方面，这是绝对不可能的。另一方面，它忽略了谅解的核心。我们生活中最需要谅解的事是我们不能忘记的事。我们不应把这些事扫到地毯下，而需谨记它们，并有意识地选择不把错误归咎于做事的人，然后继续我们的生活。
　　这就是为什么有时开始原谅别人时似乎相对容易，难的是此后每次你看到那个人、或与他谈话、或想到他时如何控制自己的感情。真正意义的宽恕不是一次性的行为，而是不断的情感斗争。
　　等待越久，原谅越难。实际上，时间不会治愈创伤，而会让愤懑和仇恨更长时间地吞噬你的内心。如果你等待“合适的时候”原谅别人，也许永远也不会做到。
　　从不嫌晚如果内心的积怨已长达数十载，请记住抚平创伤总比留着好，从不嫌晚。因此，即使已经记恨多年，甚至都忘了原因，你仍可以做点什么。　　开始运用谅解这门艺术之前，你先要问自己：我们中有多少人在任何场合都总是完全无辜的呢?
　　几年前，我和妻子科妮莉亚买了一套扁平型、松木镶面的家具，价格便宜。最初几个月它蒙蔽了所有人——美观、实用、人见人爱。我们认为它最适合我们家了。可时间一长，边脚的松木镶面开始慢慢剥皮，再也没有最初的效果了，不过至少还能用。可实际上，不管我们喜欢不喜欢，在漂亮的镶面下只是刨花板。因此，在我们评判别人之前，明智的做法是先在镜子里认真审视自己。我们越是审视自己，审视自己的一切缺陷，便越情愿也越能够体谅他人，越能体会什么是真正的满足。
选择正确，抑或幸福?宽恕他人会产生满足感。我发现向自己的孩子道歉不仅修复了我们破裂的关系，也帮助缓和了紧张的局面，使孩子们更容易请求我的原谅。如果你认为自己是正确的，没什么需要原谅的，那么问自己一个问题：你是选择正确还是幸福?
　　原谅别人最难的事之一是迈出第一步——尤其是当你有一段时间不和伤害你的人讲话了。但别忘了他们也许很高兴你能和他们讲话。甚至他们也许会因为你做了他们想做却没做的事而深受感动。但谨记你这样做是为他们，同样也是为自己，所以即便他们的反应和你期望的不一样也不要伤心。
　　当然，有些人并不认为自己做错了什么，也不在乎这些事，因此如果你告诉他们你原谅他们，那只会让他们受挫也让自己受挫。但不告诉他们并不意味你没有谅解之心。实际上，这才是谅解的真正含义：不生气，不计较自己受的伤害，心平气和对待发生的事，生活继续向前。
　　仇恨越深，越不开心。如果不能学会谅解这门“被遗忘的艺术”，你永远是受害者，不仅是伤害你的人的受害者，也是自己感情的受害者。
　　宽恕别人能让自己理智。虽然原谅别人不容易，但不原谅别人的后果要坏得多。《圣经》上没有写“宽恕我们的罪过吧，虽然我们拒绝宽恕对不起我们的人”，这可是有道理的。